


I can't help but be wrong in the dark

by tommocrying



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Boyfriends, Brief mention of Sam, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Feelings, Fluff, I'm sorry for this, Kissing, M/M, Sadness, Stucky - Freeform, angst sadness, steve needs to listen to nat more often, stevebucky - Freeform, super soldiers cuties
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-04
Updated: 2016-07-04
Packaged: 2018-07-19 23:54:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7382617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tommocrying/pseuds/tommocrying
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>''I don't wanna cut my hair Steve'' Bucky said looking down, feeling ashamed.<br/>(in which Steve thinks Bucky's hair is a constant reminder of the past horrors hydra put him through and that he secretly wants to cut it, but Bucky disagrees)</p>
            </blockquote>





	I can't help but be wrong in the dark

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry for any mistakes im just sleepy and tired and emotional rn  
> also title is just a random quote from war of hearts by Ruelle bc I spented this whole fic listening to this song

It was a rainy day outside and Bucky and Steve were inside taking a bath.

When Bucky first started living with Steve and the other Avengers in the Stark Tower he didn't used to know how to take proper care of himself, so Steve started bathing him. They would spend hours inside the bathtub, Steve brushing Bucky's skin carefully even after he was already clean. 

Now Bucky was a little better and could already take care of himself perfectly well, but Steve liked bathing him and Bucky liked being bathed so what's the problem in keeping the good old routine? 

Steve was leaning on the bathtub corner while Bucky was in front of him with his back turned to Steve while Steve washed his hair, his fingers gently massaging his scalp while Bucky hummed in appreciation.

The fact that Bucky still kept his hair long was something that has been puzzling Steve for a long time. He always thought that the long hair was a constant reminder of what hydra had done to him and also, his Bucky used to like his hair always perfectly trimmed. Of course this Bucky, this Bucky sitting in front of his legs, this Bucky that had been through so much, this Bucky with soft skin and long hair, this Bucky he failed to save, this was still **his** Bucky. Steve knew he was different now and that he need to give him space and respect whoever he is right now, but the long hair still puzzled him. 

Steve used to throw little hints at him sometimes, mentioning how Bucky used to look in the 40's, how the ladies would go crazy for him, telling him that whenever he wanted to cut his hair all he had to do was to tell him or Nat. But Bucky would always just look away and change the subject. 

(There was this time Steve was excited telling some story about the old times and accidentally mentioned how Bucky used to look handsome with his hair trimmed and military uniform and then Bucky simply left the room. Sam looked at Steve with pure disapproval. ''You have to slow down dude, the poor guy is just getting used with being himself again'', he said. Steve never felt so guilty. He rewarded Bucky on bed, whispering how absolutely beautiful he is and always will be, while kissing his whole body.)

''Bucky, I was thinking about going on a hairdresser in a couple of days.... I was thinking if... maybe you would... you know like to come with me? It's okay, you don't have to do anything... I was thinking about... ummm... just to... keep me company... maybe?'' They were both out of the tub now, Steve drying Bucky's hair with the softest towel he had. 

Bucky didn't said anything for what seemed like forever so Steve panicked and added: ''It's okay look, alright, you don't have to come if you don't wan-''

''Okay I can go with you'' Bucky interruped him while turning to face him, there was a casual smile on his lips, as if trying to say ''it's okay Steve, don't worry, it's really okay'' but his eyes said something different, some kind of sadness mixed with something else Steve couldn't pick.

Then Steve kissed him, just because he could and because Bucky always looked extra soft after a bath. 

 

The day after, Steve woke up and Natasha was already at the kitchen having her breakfast. 

''So... um... I kinda invited Bucky to come with me to the hairdresser'' Steve casually mentioned to her. 

Natasha looked at him like he had just confessed his most horrible sin.

''You did what?!''

''I... um-''

''Steve are you kidding me? Bucky is still fragile and you keep rounding him and pushing him to cut his hair, why does it matter if his hair is longer now? Get yourself together Rogers.''

Then Steve lowered down and kinda started whispering ''It just.... it confuses me why he still keeps his hair like that! Don't you ever think of this?! That he might still feel like a weapon?! That he might think we are his handlers now?! Or that I don't know.... that maybe he think he is not allowed cut his hair?!''

Natasha looked at him with an even more deadly stare. ''Have your stupid ancient head already thought that maybe he doesn't want to cut his hair? That maybe he likes it the way it is? Have you even asked him about this instead of assuming things?!''

''I don't know how to ask him about that okay?! I am always afraid I will bring some bad memory up and even thought I'm always trying to be careful with him it seems like somehow I always mess it up!!''

Then Bucky entered the kitchen. And Steve damned himself for ever trying to convince Bucky to cut his hair, because right now, the morning sun softly entering the room, Bucky with sleepy eyes and messy hair, he looked like the most adorable thing in the whole world.

Steve worried for a minute if Bucky had listened to his previous talk with Nat, but Bucky just looked confused (he usually looks confused in the mornings, and sometimes not only in the mornings too) and grumpily said ''Morning'', going straight to the fruit tray (Bucky was such a fruit lover).

 

Later that day Steve was out on a quick mission with Wanda while Bucky was at the tower, spread on the couch watching something on tv. 

Nat entered the room and motioned for Bucky to give her some space on the couch. They sat on the opposite sides of the couch, distant from each other, but after some minutes Nat just gesticuled for him to come closer and Bucky laid his head on her lap (Bucky always feels comfortable with Nat but he always need her to make the first step before he actually shows how comfortable he feels).

''So... Steve told me you are going to the hairdresser with him this week?''

Bucky snorted audibly.

''Yeah... I guess so...''

''You don't want to go?''

''I think Steve... I think he doesn't like my hair'' he said, pouting.

''I don't think so, I think he is just trying to make sure you are happy with your hair. You know you don't have to cut it if you don't want to right?''

''Yeah... I just... I'm not... I'm not **him** anymore you know?... I don't know if Steve knows this... I think he liked the old me better...''

''Bucky cmon get up, look at me'' Nat gently pushed him out of her lap. ''Steve loves you. Yes, he loved the old you, but he also loves **you** .''

''Yeah I... I think... I guess you're right I just... don't know...'' Bucky said, looking away from Natasha's pleading eyes.

One minute after, Steve entered the room and the subject died while Bucky smiled at him from his spot on the couch.

 

It was a lazy day, Bucky was laying on the bed while listening to some music on his new phone (Bucky was a big technology enthusiastic! He sure feels confused with all the new things he was being introduced to and often felt angry for not picking things up faster, for not learning faster, and for all the time he lost, all the time that was taken from him. But regardless, he still loved technology, loved to learn about this new world).

Steve entered the room with an apple and a glass of milk, handing it to Bucky even thought Bucky didn't asked him for any food (Bucky was used to it by now, Steve was always making sure to keep him fed. Bucky didn't know but Steve did this for all the times he wasn't able to give his best friend the care he deserved).

''So... I think I'm gonna get ready to go to that hairdresser thing... do you... umm... still wants to come or...?''

''Yeah yeah I'll... just... umm just let me change clothes''

''Okay I'll just... I'll just wait you on the living room''

''Yeah yeah okay I'll be there in a minute'' Bucky said while getting up, Steve already leaving the room.

 

Bucky entered the living room, feeling unsteady, but said ''umm... let's go?...'' to Steve, who was sitting on the couch reading some magazine, anyway.

''Yeah let's go'' Steve said while holding Bucky's flesh hand.

But as Steve walked through the front door, heading straight for the elevator, Bucky just dropped his hand and kept frozen on the front door.

Bucky's face showed a lot of confronting emotions: fear, shame, confusion, sadness. And Steve's heart ached. He knew he had messed up pretty badly this time. 

''Bucky, are you okay?'' he said, carefully getting close to Bucky.

He instantly looked at Steve, his eyes suddenly begging for forgiveness. ''Steve I... I don't wanna cut my hair Steve'' Bucky said looking down, feeling ashamed. 

Steve couldn't hold back any longer and just hold Bucky on a tight hug, his hands intertwining on Bucky's hair, keeping him as close as possible. 

''It's okay Bucky it's okay you didn't have to cut your hair Bucky, you don't have to cut your hair, you don't have to do anything you don't want to, please Bucky just list-''

Then Bucky interruped him, harshly pushing Steve away. ''No Steve you listen to me, I know it okay, I know you liked him better, I know you liked who I... who I used to be more than you like me now, and I'm so sorry Steve I'm so sorry I'm not him anymore I'm so sorry I'm so-''

''Bucky stop!'' Steve said while holding Bucky's face close to his, looking straight into his eyes. ''What are you talking about Bucky? I love you, I love **you** Bucky. I loved you before and I love you know, I'm with you Bucky I love you.''

''Stop Steve! Listen to me!!'' Bucky said, entering the living room again and getting away from Steve. ''I know you don't like my hair okay?! I know you think I was better looking before!! I know you wished I would just go back to be how I was before but I can't Steve, I'm so sorry I can't'' 

Then Bucky started mumbling a lot of apologies while sliding into the floor and he wouldn't have stopped if Steve didn't have interruped him.

''That's not true Bucky I just... I just wanted to make sure you knew... to make sure you knew that you aren't... you aren't theirs anymore, that you are not a weapon, that you can do whatever you want. I love you so much I just wanted to make you sure you were okay but I always let you down I'm sorry Bucky I'm sorry.'' Steve said, now also sat on the ground. He wanted to touch Bucky, wanted to fix the mess he made, but he was afraid Bucky would move away again.

After what felt like forever Bucky started talking, almost whispering, still looking at the ground. ''They did horrible things Steve, they would... I was good, even when I was trying really hard to be good, they would still do horrible things. They would pull my hair to make me look at what they were doing to me, they used it to control me, to make sure I knew I was their pet. But Steve I like it when you pull my hair while you kiss me, I like it when you wash it and pour those good smelling shampoos on it, I like it when you play with my hair at night. I think that... that if I cut my hair... they will... they will win Steve, they will still be controling me. I don't want that Steve.''

Bucky was still looking down when Steve pulled him to his chest, embracing him, trying to comfort him as much as he could. 

''It's okay Bucky it's alright, fuck... I... I got everything wrong, I'm so sorry.'' 

Then Bucky started sniffling and still wasn't looking at Steve, so Steve just hold his best friend's head up, making Bucky look at him on the eyes. ''Bucky I need you to understand this, I love you, I love your hair, no matter how long it is, I love everything you are Bucky, everything you were and everything you are now. You are beautiful. Even the parts they made you be are beautiful. I love you so much I don't want you to doubt this never again.'' 

Bucky didn't answered, he just kept looking at Steve with wide eyes. Steve started kissing Bucky's whole face, then his neck, his arms and his hands, flesh and metal. Bucky quickly began to go limp and ended up whispering ''I love you too Steve'' just before he started drifting to sleep. 

They didn't make to the hairdresser that day, but they were okay, and Bucky was right here he belonged: on Steve's arms.


End file.
